How-To: Make a Derby Headband

Happy Monday! I've received a few questions about the headband so prominently featured in my below Steeplechase post. Because I have a humongous man-sized face and head, I knew that a hat may not be the best option for me (of course, I still put myself through quite the hat saga - Baby Sis ended up wearing the TJ Maxx chapeau and looked presh). I'm sure you're all aware of my headband obsession, so I decided to take it one step further and produce something even more over the top than usual. For a mere $4 I created the look. I purchased a huge fake flower of my choose from Michael's ($2.99 for mine) then found a $0.98 thin plastic headband at WalMart (thin was important so it looked more like a flower floating on my head than a huge headband). I cut a small rectangle out cardstock and hot glued the center of it to the underneath curve of the band. I then cut the stem as close to the blossom as possible. I then flipped the flower almost inside out (it took some trial and error... when I first secured it to the band without doing this, it didn't lay flush and looked ridiculous) and removed two layers of plastic. With the flower flatter and more malleable, I hot glued it to the band and the sides of the cardstock (extra security). For even more security and placed several bobbypins through the petals to the cardstock and plastic headband. Voila!

The Queens Cup

My Saturday in photographs:
~ Horses
~ Betting
~ Lilly
~ Ladder Ball
~ Family
~ Costume Changes

Suitin' Up

I finally ordered the bathing suit that I've been drooling over for weeks. Thanks to some very sly blogging buddies, I was able to scour some sites and find three promotional codes that added up to free shipping, $10 off and a free tote bag - a grand total of $42. The entire Protein Bar family (Daddy, Little, Baby Sis and Big Brother) is heading to the Tranquility Bay Beach House Resort on Marathon Key in June, and I needed something amazing to sport. What do you think of my new purchase?

The top in the first picture with the less scandalous bottoms:

Victoria's Secret

In other Polka Dots & Protein Bars news, it is currently 80 degrees and breathtakingly sunny in Charlotte today, which bodes well for my Steeplechase trip tomorrow. Of course in my painfully indecisive brain, the debate rages on between wearing my pretty derby hat or my cheerful and quirky DIY floral headband. I guess it will be a gametime decision.

Speaking of which: tomorrow is draft day! I do love the NFL draft (I am glued to my television for every single round), and I hope my beloved Panthers will come away with some excellent additions to the squad. I'm now a writer for the super fun Web site Chicks in the Huddle, which targets female football fans! The site is owned, operated and written solely by female football fans, and I am proud to be the "Panthers Chick" chronicling all of the on and off field drama of my favorite cats! If you obsess over the pigskin like I do, come check it out! Football season is enticingly close, and I can hardly wait for my Vols and Panthers to take the field this fall.

This post took a dramatic turn from summer goodness to autumn lust, but as you know by now, things like that tend to happen around here :-)

The Way The Cookie Crumbles

As many of you know, my dear real life friend aHr from Southern Sunshine is a teacher. I wish you all had a chance to meet and get to know her, because she is one big ball of sass fire rolled up in an itty bitty package. She is also one of the sweetest, most compassionate, Godly women I've had the pleasure to know. She was born to be a kindergarten teacher. As I mentioned though, the sweet girl is a dynamo, and when we talked on the phone last week she shared a story with me, that I had to share with the blogosphere.

Ave's school is in Raleigh, and she was regaled and delighted her readers with tales of such kinder-characters as Rattail (who recently had a makeover) and Mini Jay-Z. While she loves all of her children, apparently Jay-Z has been acting more like Lil Wayne than his Hova idol as of late. The trouble began when the little p-i-m-p began using his school meal account to buy himself snacks, which is against the rules. Accounts are only allowed during breakfast or lunch, and Jay was using them in between meals to fill his little wannabe-thug tummy.

To address the naughty behavior, Miss Ave sent a note home with tiny Sean Carter requesting that his mother rein in his spending and eating habits. Thinking the issue would be curtailed, aHr rested easy. The next day, however, the Jigga Man pulled a Moon Pie out of his bookbag.
- "Look, Miz Henderson, I got a big ole Moon Pie for my snack today."
- "Oh, Jay-Z, I love Moon Pies. Did your mom get them for you at Harris Teeter?"
- "Nah, Girl, I just got this from the cafeteria usin' my account."
- "Jay! Didn't you give your mom the note I wrote saying that you can't do that?"
- "I gave it to her, but now I'm hungry, so I used my account and got somethin' to eat. Problem. Solved."

Now, Southern Sunshine can outprep the prepsters, but girlfriend can just as easily out-gangster the gangstas. I've witnessed it firsthand, and the result isn't pretty. Ave immediately confiscated the sugary, Southern snack staple and placed it nonchalantly on her desk. As she continued her lesson she noticed Jay-Z's eyes flitting constantly between the board and his hostage Moon Pie. As she grew more and more irritated, she had an idea.

She was pacing the room describing the day's concept, and when she asked for questions, she gracefully hopped on her desk to perch whilst questions were being asked. She positioned her landing spot strategically and landed directly atop the wanton Moon Pie. "Whoops," she gasped with her steely gaze piercing straight into Jay-Z's. As his eyes began to water, Miss Henderson told him directly, "Rappers never cry."

She is being nominated for teacher of the year.

How Did You Get Here? and An Ethical Compromise

I cannot color outside of the lines. Even if I want to. If I try, the lines just mutate and absorb my coloring. Sigh. Today at lunch I returned my hat; HOWEVER, all is not lost. I found a perfectly suitable replacement hat for $14.99. I made the exchange and got $10.73 back. Fabulous compromise! I'll keep my new hat until Saturday at which time I will choose between the hat and my DIY headband. I can breathe a little easier now - and still look fabulous.

In other Polka Dots & Protein Bars News, I have been amusing myself by looking at the search terms that send people to this little blog o' mine. Without further ado, here are my favorites:

1. "Kappa Prep Said" - anything Hopsy says is a "do" in my book.
2. "Lobster Eye" - love my Lobster and her eyes.
3. "Compression Hose Summer Shoes/Sandals" - sorry, Friends, compression hose and summer shoes are not a good mix.
4. "Compression Stockings Sexy" - try as I might, I don't think I can make mine sexy, but maybe a Cougar Grandma can. Rawr...
5. "Appendectomy/Appendicitis Internal Bleeding" - not only should you book it to the ER, you should totally use this as an excuse the next time you don't want to go to class.
6. "Bimbo Protein Bar" - is this is a new brand? I'd love to try it! I'm sure some bimbos do enjoy their processed protein. Were, you, the searcher, disappointed when this wholesome blog was a result for your search?
7. "I Didn't Know The Hamptons Was So Rugged... The Terrain Around Lilly Pulitzer" - hmm, I didn't realize that either!
8. "Ingesting Too Many Protein Bars" - easy to do, but not recommended.
9. "Internal Bleeding 3 Days" - you should get that looked at.
10. "Polka Dentistry" - dental practice and dancing are probably not the best mix, but who am I to judge?
11. "Protein Bars Good Things" - couldn't agree more!
12. "Visible Thong Lines Candid" - isn't the beauty of thongs the absence of panty lines?
13. "Wiggin Polka" - I don't even have a response.
14. "Snuggie Polka Dot" - polka dot Snuggies??? Sign me up!
15. "Polka Dot Mother Goose" - I hate geese. Even the mother kind.

Saving Money Unethically

While I'm trying to find a time-friendly, passion-agreeing second job to supplement my income I'm stuck making pennies (I do love PR, though, so it makes it tolerable). I am a budget-shopper, recessionista to the nth degree, which helps. I restrict my budget when it comes to "want" items - those non-necessities that are just fun to have. For example, on Saturday I'm going to the Queen's Cup Steeplechase, and while I would have loved a hat, I decided to go budget-friendly and purchase a huge, fun flower at Michael's for $2.99 and a thin plastic headband from WalMart for $0.96 and make a derby headband. I was pretty pleased with the results, but not thrilled.

During lunch today my precious friend MK and I popped over to TJ Maxx where I fell in love with the perfect derby hat. You must understand that I have an enormously large head and hats generally don't fit me, but this one was perfect. It was also accompanied by a $24.99 price tag, which was much too much for such an impractical, frivolous purchase. Well, the Black Polka Dot inside me came forth and formulated the brilliant idea to leave the price tags on the hat (they're on the inside), wear it on Saturday (remove it if sweat becomes an issue), then return it, so I bought it. Yes, I am the lowest of the low. How immature and terrible of me. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and even though Little explained that I clearly don't have a conscience for doing so, sometimes you have to compromise ethics to look smashing.

Will I follow through with my rebellious ways? We'll see. Methinks yes.

Shuck You

Boyfriend and I spent Saturday evening at an oyster roast with some fantastic friends. The weather was absolutely gorgeous; the venue was rustic and beautiful; and the food was delicious. I'm not a huge oyster fan, but these were actually scrumptious - the fact that I also made it a contest to see who could shuck fastest definitely helped! Besides the fact that I ate my weight in hushpuppies, we all had a truly wonderful time. B and I have a terrible track record of taking pictures, and I think in almost three years we only have one picture that we both like. Luckily we were able to take some pictures at the oyster roast, and we were both pleased with the results!

Thanks, Red Cup.

Apparently I missed the Zoolander Memo.

Don't you just adore perfect weekends?

Karma is a Goose

I was just sitting at my desk counting down the minutes until the weekend (70... 69...) when I suddenly realized why I was attacked by the goose on Wednesday: It was Karma, plain and simple.

When my wonderful family first moved to the Queen City in 1995 we lived in a perfect neighborhood in North Charlotte (we have since moved to the south side). The neighborhood had a playground a pond where geese would come and nest. One fateful day I accompanied two older girls to the pond to explore, pick flowers and chat. We stumbled across some geese nests and crouched down to peer inside. In one nest we discovered a lone egg. Of course being too young to realize that this egg had not hatched due to fertilization issues, our immediate thought was that it would hatch and be by itself.

We decided to take care of it ourselves (I think Fly Away Home had just come out, and we all wanted to be Anna Paquin). I volunteered was chosen to house the little egg. I was blessed with an enormous walk-in closet containing windows all along one wall. The closet was bright, warm and cozy.

I wrapped my pre-gosling in sweaters and scarves and placed him in the sunniest spot I could find. I checked on him daily, eagerly anticipating the day he would hatch and see me as his mama. Weeks passed, and there was no progression from my friend. Sadly, we accepted defeat and decided to return our orphaned egg to his nest in case his mom came back looking for him.

On the return trip, my friends and I became angry. We had loved this egg, and he had been abandoned and was now too scared to hatch. When we reached the pond we found that someone had destroyed all of the nests. Not knowing what to do my friend suggested that we break the egg to find out what was inside. Since I was young and dorky striving to be accepted by the older girls I immediately agreed that this was the best course of action.

It was decided that I would be the breaker. With all of my 6th-grade might, I heaved the egg at a tree. As soon as it left my hand, I experienced an odd mix of emotions - excitement, anger, sadness, embarrassment and shame. Most of all I was terrified yet intrigued to find out what was lodged in the egg. Would a live gosling fall out? Some half-formed mutated embryo? With a rather sickening splat, egg hit bark and yolk exploded all over the grounded. Of course the egg hadn't been fertilized and looked no different than the eggs my dad used to make chocolate chip pancakes - it was just bigger.

I was overcome with emotion (sensitivity is my middle name) and began sobbing about the whole ordeal. I ran home with tears streaking my cheeks, and I clearly repressed the events of my past since I've only thought about that egg once or twice since throwing it at the tree.

The goose that, er, got my goose earlier this week must have known about the blood - or yolk - that was on my hands and merely sought vengenance for his fallen - or cracked - brethren.

Plus and Minus

+ Papa is doing much, much better. Out of the ICU, on oxygen, and enjoying respiration :-) Thank you so much for all of your sweet comments and prayers.
- My feet are disgrossting. Just ask Sis.
+ My sweet BF surprised me last night and took me on a date! This was extra special since we rarely, rarely see each other during the week.
- I have a narsty sinus infection. Ew.
+ Going to an oyster roast tomorrow night with some fabulous friends and Boyfriend.
- I don't really like oysters.
+ They have some ammmmmazzzzzzing hushpuppies with honey butter available - so totally my favorite food in the entire world.
- Fried food does not help so much when it comes to my bikini body.
+ I'm up to 95 followers!!! I am beyond excited and thankful for that.
- Um, hello, I average 6 comments per posts. Ladies, I have had some quality material this week. I love, love your comments. I know you're reading... let me know what you think :-)
+ Because I can't end this on a minus... it's a warm, sunny Friday in North Carolina!

Mother Goose

Today I have strained my pectoral muscles punching holes and making innumerable binders. I was also attacked and bitten by a goose that has taken up residence outside our building. I was walking the mail to the mailbox when to my chagrin I found my feathered foe nestled in the middle of the sidewalk. As I approached I was met with an evil hiss. I tried to kindly shoo her away into the pine needles. Just as I felt I was making progress, she attacked. She contorted and stretched her neck and latched her beak firmly on to my top. One hefty tap to her gut by my pointy toed stiletto later I was free. The hem of my shirt is frayed, and while I am quite shaken up the whole ordeal I am mostly unscathed. Unfortunately this display of nature's deadly dance happened just outside the floor-to-ceiling windows of Madame P and Mister VP. As my luck would have it, both were perched at their desks watching my real-life When Good Animals Go Bad. I am once again reminded that you cannot trust creatures that don't blink.