Wednesday, July 8, 2009

How to Not Make Friends

Many of life's most important lessons I learn from observing human behavior at the gym. Recently I've learned that by committing any singular behavior or combination of the below habits, you will not make friends. In fact, most people will avoid you.

1. Treadmill Tootin' - No stranger to or 'phobe of natural body functions, I understand that it sometimes happens, but if each step is accompanied by flatulence, you will not be wildly popular. In fact you may notice a 2 machine buffer on either side of you. Your name is Tooty Nofriends.

2. Stairmaster Soprano - It has been documented on this humble blog that I have a pet peeve of people singing aloud whilst wearing headphones. The irritation has reached new heights when, while plowing through a step-climbing workout, my ears were assailed by the vocal renditions of Beyonce-wannabe. Clearly, you are not working hard enough if you can muster the oxygen capacity to sing. No one likes a Sweaty SOLOist.

3. Scented Cyclist - Perhaps it's just my hypersensitive neurosis, but it is not counterproductive to suck down an entire pack of cigarettes pre-workout? Aside from the black lung you've strapped on to accompany your iPod, the entire gym is now filled with a rancid nicotine after-burn odor. Like Tooty Nofriends, there is also a built in buffer surrounding you. Few people plan on receiving secondhand smoke with their six-pack. Oh, Blacklung Betty, my respiratory system aches for you.

4. Entitled Ellipticalist - Hey, Grabby Gloria, no, I am not finished reading that magazine. Yes, that book on the floor does belong to me. No, you may not look at it. Yes, that is my towel. Yes, I have wiped my perspiration on it. No, you cannot borrow my cell phone while you are drenched in sweat. Yes, you are a terrible machine neighbor. We may share oxygen space, but we do not share the rest of our "stuff." Please keep your hands to yourself. K? Thanks.

12 comments:

Angela said...

Hilarious. I have encountered both Sweaty Soloist and Blacklung Betty just this week alone. I also don't like the people who CLEARLY see my headphones and still insist on engaging me with mindless chit-chat about whatever happens to be on the big screens. Ugh, go away.

Sara said...

I never thought gym etiquette was so hard to come by, but apparently it's been lost in time, along with manners and personal space.

THE Stephanie said...

LOL... I just wish the machines in my gym (which I may my hard earned money to go to every day!!) would work!! It seems like most of them have the dreaded "machine being serviced" tag on them. IRRITATING!!!

Use my money and get them fixed!!

Mrs. Buck said...

some of the things I've seen at the gym can never be spoken of - what is it with people? Do you not realize you are surrounded by other people? just because you are reading or watching TV and have headphones in your ears does not mean that you disappear from time/space!

Rachel H. said...

I can't imagine...I only usually take classes at the gym, so I have my own space, and I don't have to deal with this!

Annie said...

I think when people join the gym they need to be educated on gym etiqutte!!
Another of my pet peeves, people grunting...not wiping off machines...PDA!!

Legallyblondemel said...

So true. One of the nice things about getting older & being able to upgrade my gym is leaving Miss Entitled Ellipticalist behind, not to mention Sir Grunts-a-Lot.

Sweet, Sassy, and Always Classy said...

ha, i always love hearing what goes through your head at the gym! you're too funny! i hope you are having a wonderful summer.

Little Bow Prep said...

Thanks for commenting on my blog!

Interesting post!

QueenBeeSwain said...

don't you wonder where some of these people come from?! and why of all places they have to go to the gym

kHm

Stace said...

Haha you are hilariouuuus great observations!

Piper Jacquelyn said...

Treadmill Tootin'! I can't stop laughing. That's hilarious. Oh lord.