How to Not Make Friends

Many of life's most important lessons I learn from observing human behavior at the gym. Recently I've learned that by committing any singular behavior or combination of the below habits, you will not make friends. In fact, most people will avoid you.

1. Treadmill Tootin' - No stranger to or 'phobe of natural body functions, I understand that it sometimes happens, but if each step is accompanied by flatulence, you will not be wildly popular. In fact you may notice a 2 machine buffer on either side of you. Your name is Tooty Nofriends.

2. Stairmaster Soprano - It has been documented on this humble blog that I have a pet peeve of people singing aloud whilst wearing headphones. The irritation has reached new heights when, while plowing through a step-climbing workout, my ears were assailed by the vocal renditions of Beyonce-wannabe. Clearly, you are not working hard enough if you can muster the oxygen capacity to sing. No one likes a Sweaty SOLOist.

3. Scented Cyclist - Perhaps it's just my hypersensitive neurosis, but it is not counterproductive to suck down an entire pack of cigarettes pre-workout? Aside from the black lung you've strapped on to accompany your iPod, the entire gym is now filled with a rancid nicotine after-burn odor. Like Tooty Nofriends, there is also a built in buffer surrounding you. Few people plan on receiving secondhand smoke with their six-pack. Oh, Blacklung Betty, my respiratory system aches for you.

4. Entitled Ellipticalist - Hey, Grabby Gloria, no, I am not finished reading that magazine. Yes, that book on the floor does belong to me. No, you may not look at it. Yes, that is my towel. Yes, I have wiped my perspiration on it. No, you cannot borrow my cell phone while you are drenched in sweat. Yes, you are a terrible machine neighbor. We may share oxygen space, but we do not share the rest of our "stuff." Please keep your hands to yourself. K? Thanks.