Thursday, December 10, 2009

The Search Is On

I don't access my Google Analytics very frequently, so I was a bit dismayed when I logged on today to see that my readership is down 9.14%. Dear, dear, I know that my writing has been a bit more infrequent and a smidge less entertaining than usual, but that's a bit drastic. What is that you, oh beloved readers would like to read about?

One of my favorite things to review on my G'Analytics is a list of search terms that led people to this humble blog. It is encouraging to know that although the visits here have dropped, people are still finding creative ways to read about Polka Dots & Protein Bars. The last time I did a search term recap, I had many, many compression hose enthusiasts, let's review a few of the new gems, shall we?

The Top Ten:
1. How to Make Yourself Limp Without Faking It - Umm, okay, sadist. Have you ever seen Misery? You could always do the block between the legs and a hammer trick a la Kathy Bates. Or you could fake it, like so.
2. Filet O Fish Donkey Lips - Not so sure about the sandwich, but Donkey Lips was clearly the best character on Salute Your Shorts.
3. Mushrooms with Stripes or Polka Dots - Those aren't the kind of mushrooms that I encourage cooking with.
4. Reappearing Bleeding Dots on Leg - That is creepy, and instead of reading my blog, you should dial 9-1-1.
5. Big Booty Extravagance - If that's what you're looking for, then let me assure you that you've come to the right place.
6. Appendicitis Wearing High Heels - That's the pits, really, but at least you're looking super stylish. The same can't be said for Lobster when hers ruptured.
7. "Clarissa Explains It All" House Kitchen Stairs - I love me some Clarissa, and the Darling household was where it was all happening. If you find the kitchen stairs, you just let me know.
8. Bimbo Protein Bars - I haven't tried that brand. Is it a favorite of Lohan or Paris? Do they have Bimbo Jr. for Miley to taste?
9. Does Protein Give You a Booty - Just looked in the mirror. Survey says... yes! All the better to highlight in my new tights!
10. Funny Blogs on Wearing Bad Undergarments - To be honest, there is no such thing as a good undergarment.

Honorable Mention:

11. Peep Toe Pumps & Protein Bars - Hey, Peeptoe Pumps & Pearls... let's join forces... we already have the name!
12. Cankle Surgery
on Bones - What? Liposuction on the ankles didn't cure it?
13. Gag Reflex Acupuncture
14. Knock Knock Jokes Graduation
15. Ways to Unsend a Text - Tried it. Doesn't work. It blows.
16. "Brother 4 Sale" Tee Shirt - Love me some MK&A!
17. Visible Thong Lines + Blogspot - Isn't the beauty of thongs a lack of VPL?
18. A Scary Note to My Sister - Dear Sis... BOOO!!!!!!... Love, Your Sis. There. Happy now?
19. Baby's First Hockey Stick - Followed shortly thereafter by Baby's First Concussion.
20. Best Protein Bar for Leaning - I like my protein bars to improve my posture, but whatevs.
Manic Trout - I'm just not even really sure what to say about this.
22. Goose Bleeding Internally - Did you aim the stiletto directly at its belly? That will speed the process.
23. Man Boob Under Garments - Sports bras aren't cutting it for you anymore, big guy?
24. MTV True Life I Have Tourettes Grandma You're Being Careless - Only the most incredible piece of television history ever.
25. Mummified vs. Petrified - One, you're dead. The other, you aren't. Problem solved.
26. Pink Princess Mummification - Is this a Tim Burton spin on Pretty Pretty Princess? If so, I don't want to play.
27. Pregnant Girls in Thongs - You're either a perv, or you should direct questions about appropriate maternity underwear to your physician.
28. Protein to Make Shabby Face - You know, I just don't really look for my protein bars to do this.
29. The Trick Where You Have a Card With Dots and the Dots Disappear and Reappear - Ummmm, right. Did you actually type all of that in with the hope of finding what you were looking for? Because you found me. And I'm probably not it.
30. Tie Me Up Stories - Are you planning the perfect kidnapping scenario or a romantic night with your love? Either way, sorry to disappoint.


prettyface said...

LOL- How do you go to Google analytics??

prettyface said...

I'm sure this is a stupid questiona nd I'll go to google right now and find it. haha!

April said...

Okay for reals.....yours TOTALLY beat mine!

Elizabeth said...

I love posts like this!!! they make me laugh out loud!!!

Ams said...

Google analytics... hmmmm...
I love your blog - I will try to come up with something fun and exciting for you to talk about - although I think you are doing just fine on your own ;)

mrs.mfc said...

Hahahhahahaha those are SO funny!!!

The Wife said...

I still love the blog! Keep it up!

Red Lipstick Style said...

I've never tried Google analytics! Can you tell me how to access it? I still love your blog! These are very funny!

Jill said...

Ha Ha! Love this... we should join forces!

Rachel H. said...

Funny!! I am always reading! :)

Lexilooo said...

Ha, most of my hits come from people googling "where to find crumpets" in whatever city....!