What Your Wardrobe's Been Missing

It's no secret that I adore tights. My drawers (no pun intended) are stuffed full of turquoise, fuschia, eggplant, lace, fishnet, polka dotted and more. I had a lovely lunch date earlier with the glorious Swanky Peach and planned to take a quick trip to American Apparel, which happened to be right next door.

I have to admit that American Apparel really freaks me out. I just don't understand it. I think most of their clothes are odd, but I'm determined to find a gem there - the perfect white tee, some incredible leggings, one of those dresses that can be worn 27 ways (although I explained to Swanky Peach that that concept stresses me out because I will feel obligated to get use out of all 27 ways, even if several are beyond fugtrocious and heinous... it's too much pressure for me).

Before our date I decided to peruse the Web site in order to strategically locate some potential treasures. My first click was on the hosiery section, assuming that would be a safe and fun locale. Unfortunately, not. Hosiery was my first and only stop. Why, you ask?

These:

Please, in the name of all that's good and right in the world explain to me why you need cheekless tights. I mean, they aren't even technically bottomless... you still have a string there. Who, pray tell, who decided that we as women were yearning for a way to feel the breeze on our behinds while keeping our legs toasty?

I wish I had more words. I'm speechless. This is one stocking I won't be looking for come Christmas day.