Rule #30 - Sticky Situation

If you're obsessed with Cupcakes and Cashmere (as I am) and want to recreate these incredible tights she created, it is advisable to take the time to look up the actual directions instead of just winging it. It is also a good idea to assume that fabric glue and Krazy glue may possibly yield different results.

When you are in the midst of a bedazzling frenzy, securing sparkles and gems to the tights you are wearing, you will most assuredly feel a sense of dread creep into your heart when you realize that not only are said diadems securely fastened to your hosiery, but they are also tightly bonded to your skin.

As you remove the tights (once dry), each time you must rip a small jewel from your shin, ankle, knee or calf, you will flinch in pain - followed by irritation - as skin is detached from your leg, and the stones go tumbling off. Frustrated, you will probably decide not to try and remove the glue circles dotting your stems and drift off to sleep instead.

During your morning shower, you will develop temporary amnesia and forget about said sticky dots and attempt to shave your legs. Being the bright bulb you are, when you pass over a patch on your leg that burns, you will run your razor over it again and again wondering what is making it hurt. Do not be surprised, dear friend, to find in all of those areas a torrent of blood trickling down your now-smooth gam. You see, shaving off Krazy glue is an effective removal technique. It doesn't however, remove only the goop, but roughly five layers of epidermis as well.

Delightful.

Do You Hear What I Hear???

Have you heard my dear, sweet, amazing and wonderful friend's news?!




Thank you, Grant. Now the planning can start... you know, officially.

If

Last night I decided it was high time to do a thorough cleaning of my room. I received a fabulous TV for Christmas to perch on my dresser to keep me company while I sew (my roommate will be so thrilled that I'm officially moving Hems & Hers HQ off the kitchen table). As such, I needed to reorganize and reshuffle my furniture, thusly leading to my clean sweep.

During my cleaning I rediscovered a tiny little book I received several years ago in my Yuletide stocking titled "If: What Do I Know of Calvary Love" by Amy Carmichael. This itsy bitsy tome is beyond powerful, and I loved flipping through last night to re-read the snippets and see which ones I'd highlighted during my first reading and thinking back to how they applied to my life then. Funny that entirely different passages spoke to me last night. If you get a chance, please pick up a copy... it is the accountability, encouragement and wisdom I'm constantly needing.

"If when an answer I did not expect comes to a prayer which I believed I truly meant, I shrink back from it; if the burden my Lord asks me to bear be not the burden of my heart's choice, and I fret inwardly and do not welcome His will, then I know nothing of Calvary love."

"If I am afraid to speak the truth, lest I lose affection, or lest the one concerned should say, 'You do not understand,' or because I fear to lose my reputation for kindness; if I put my own good name before the other's highest good, then I know nothing of Calvary love."

"If I hold on to choices of any kind, just because they are my choice; if I give any room to my private likes and dislikes, then I know nothing of Calvary love."

"If by doing some work which the undiscerning consider 'not spiritual work' I can best help others, and I inwardly rebel, thinking it is the spiritual for which I crave, when in truth it is the interesting and exciting, then I know nothing of Calvary love."

Shiny & Bright

With all of the Christmas hustle and bustle, I have completely failed to express what a truly magnificent time I experienced with three lovely bloggers on Tuesday night at On A String in Charlotte. Each of us made a piece of gorgeous jewelry and sincerely enjoyed our time together. I'm still continually amazed at what incredible people this corner of the web has brought into my life!

Today I Feel Like This

Sorry to assault your eyes, but it's just been one of those Mondays. Isn't it funny how Satan chooses to attack your vulnerabilities and insecurities when you are feeling the most powerfully connected to Christ?

This weekend at Elevation I saw hundreds of people moved to extend sacrificial generosity for the work of the Lord and to His mission in Charlotte, across the nation, and ultimately the world. It's so easy to feel small, insubstantial and helpless in aiding "the least of these" in the world, but I was reminded this weekend that every gift can have a huge impact on the lives of others.

Also, I was given the blessing to make a statement about my trust in God by giving my own financial sacrifice to His work. It's so easy for me to say that I trust Him, but to give part of my financial and monetary security away and actually have to trust Him is an entirely different experience.

Today's attack began by shaking my security and, truly, my pride to the core. And while I've been knocked off balance and am still reeling and waiting to feel the inevitable aftereffects, this is an incredible opportunity for me to truly live what I have been professing - that God's will for my life is the one sure thing that I have, and it's the one true thing to which I will cling.

I'm still feeling like one of those pretty pooches, though.

Rule #29 - Friends... No Benefits

If I have never met you, don't know your name, don't call you, BBM or text you and only see you naked sometimes because you refuse to cover yourself at the Y, I certainly do not want to hear about how Jevarius won't pull his lazy @$$ out of the bed to work out. I also don't want to know about how fly your curves are or how bangin' your new dress is. Add to the list that I don't want to know about how your girl LaShondra is back with her baby daddy even though he doesn't pay child support. Especially when your tatas are literally jiggling in my face.

I don't know your name; you don't know mine. Let's just nod cordially and exchange the occasional smile like the strangers we are. Thanks.

A Few of My Favorite Things

I may be biased, but I'm adoring these new accessories that SuZeeBee has been creating! A natural transition from her fabric belts, these oversized buckles (I've been spying much more expensive versions all over the pages of my 'zines) have been finding their way into many of my outfits. Interchangeable and darling, I hope you'll consider jazzing up your holiday ensembles with these fun doo-dads (great all year long).

Santa's Got a Brand New Bag

And Miss Sadie has a brand new (her first ever garment) Mrs. Claus coat. Pink is most certainly her color. Although, looking so pretty all the time clearly drains her.

Queen City Connections (aka The Meet Up)

Blogging from a computer in Charlotte? Social network from a computer geographically close by? Fantastic! Get your pretty little faces out from behind the screen and come to the Charlotte blogger meet and greet hosted by yours truly, The Company She Keeps, Olive My Life! and Duncan Dialogues.

The need-to-knows? This festive affair is happening on Tuesday, December 22 in the CLT. For details and to be part of this amazing event, leave a comment or email me at polkadotsandproteinbars {at} gmail {dot} c-izz-om. Can't wait to finally meet all you lovely, local ladies!

Jingle, Jingle, Ho, Ho, Ho

I would say that this year's Christmas party was a resounding success. We had enough food to feed a thousand and beer, wine, champagne and punch flowing freely. Unfortunately, my camera died after one picture. Here are a few snapshots I stole from everyone else!

Hair Did

Tonight my sweet roommate and I are throwing a Christmas party, and to say I'm excited would be an understatement.

Currently my hair is in an adjustment period... growing out from a stacked bob, but not really long yet, so my options for styles feel limited. As a result, I think the best choice would be to dig out my Topsy Tail and convert my tresses into these festive favorites.

The Search Is On

I don't access my Google Analytics very frequently, so I was a bit dismayed when I logged on today to see that my readership is down 9.14%. Dear, dear, I know that my writing has been a bit more infrequent and a smidge less entertaining than usual, but that's a bit drastic. What is that you, oh beloved readers would like to read about?

One of my favorite things to review on my G'Analytics is a list of search terms that led people to this humble blog. It is encouraging to know that although the visits here have dropped, people are still finding creative ways to read about Polka Dots & Protein Bars. The last time I did a search term recap, I had many, many compression hose enthusiasts, let's review a few of the new gems, shall we?

The Top Ten:
1. How to Make Yourself Limp Without Faking It - Umm, okay, sadist. Have you ever seen Misery? You could always do the block between the legs and a hammer trick a la Kathy Bates. Or you could fake it, like so.
2. Filet O Fish Donkey Lips - Not so sure about the sandwich, but Donkey Lips was clearly the best character on Salute Your Shorts.
3. Mushrooms with Stripes or Polka Dots - Those aren't the kind of mushrooms that I encourage cooking with.
4. Reappearing Bleeding Dots on Leg - That is creepy, and instead of reading my blog, you should dial 9-1-1.
5. Big Booty Extravagance - If that's what you're looking for, then let me assure you that you've come to the right place.
6. Appendicitis Wearing High Heels - That's the pits, really, but at least you're looking super stylish. The same can't be said for Lobster when hers ruptured.
7. "Clarissa Explains It All" House Kitchen Stairs - I love me some Clarissa, and the Darling household was where it was all happening. If you find the kitchen stairs, you just let me know.
8. Bimbo Protein Bars - I haven't tried that brand. Is it a favorite of Lohan or Paris? Do they have Bimbo Jr. for Miley to taste?
9. Does Protein Give You a Booty - Just looked in the mirror. Survey says... yes! All the better to highlight in my new tights!
10. Funny Blogs on Wearing Bad Undergarments - To be honest, there is no such thing as a good undergarment.

Honorable Mention:
11. Peep Toe Pumps & Protein Bars - Hey, Peeptoe Pumps & Pearls... let's join forces... we already have the name!
12. Cankle Surgery on Bones - What? Liposuction on the ankles didn't cure it?
13. Gag Reflex Acupuncture
14. Knock Knock Jokes Graduation
15. Ways to Unsend a Text - Tried it. Doesn't work. It blows.
16. "Brother 4 Sale" Tee Shirt - Love me some MK&A!
17. Visible Thong Lines + Blogspot - Isn't the beauty of thongs a lack of VPL?
18. A Scary Note to My Sister - Dear Sis... BOOO!!!!!!... Love, Your Sis. There. Happy now?
19. Baby's First Hockey Stick - Followed shortly thereafter by Baby's First Concussion.
20. Best Protein Bar for Leaning - I like my protein bars to improve my posture, but whatevs.
21. Manic Trout - I'm just not even really sure what to say about this.
22. Goose Bleeding Internally - Did you aim the stiletto directly at its belly? That will speed the process.
23. Man Boob Under Garments - Sports bras aren't cutting it for you anymore, big guy?
24. MTV True Life I Have Tourettes Grandma You're Being Careless - Only the most incredible piece of television history ever.
25. Mummified vs. Petrified - One, you're dead. The other, you aren't. Problem solved.
26. Pink Princess Mummification - Is this a Tim Burton spin on Pretty Pretty Princess? If so, I don't want to play.
27. Pregnant Girls in Thongs - You're either a perv, or you should direct questions about appropriate maternity underwear to your physician.
28. Protein to Make Shabby Face - You know, I just don't really look for my protein bars to do this.
29. The Trick Where You Have a Card With Dots and the Dots Disappear and Reappear - Ummmm, right. Did you actually type all of that in with the hope of finding what you were looking for? Because you found me. And I'm probably not it.
30. Tie Me Up Stories - Are you planning the perfect kidnapping scenario or a romantic night with your love? Either way, sorry to disappoint.

Rule #28 - Sitting Pretty

It is not at all advisable to practice wall sits in the handicap stall of your office's tile-floored bathroom while wearing heels. Not only is the floor slippery, but your heels will also provide you very little traction. Once you start to topple, there's no chance of recovering until you land, appendages splayed in all directions. Sticking to squats is a better bet.

Rule #27 - Bulky

When you aim to buy in bulk at, say, Costco, it is advisable to bring with you a mode of transportation capable of and appropriate for transporting your purchases. Trying to stack multitudes of olive oil, produce, cheesecake and fine winery on the back of your souped-up Moped will most assuredly be a disaster, sir.

Bowled Over & More

I'm getting awfully tired of logging on to PD&PB and seeing that big ole American Apparel bottom staring me in the face. It's time to update with something new... and today that means lots of snapshots!

Last week was exhausting, as have previous weeks been, but I managed to carve out some time for fun that included a Switchfoot concert and a little trip to the bowling alley (I was humiliated, embarrassed, and worst of all... beaten by Lobster... I never lose. Especially to her... ESPECIALLY in Mall Madness. Yes, we still play. Or did, until she kept losing and started refusing my invitations to battle).

What Your Wardrobe's Been Missing

It's no secret that I adore tights. My drawers (no pun intended) are stuffed full of turquoise, fuschia, eggplant, lace, fishnet, polka dotted and more. I had a lovely lunch date earlier with the glorious Swanky Peach and planned to take a quick trip to American Apparel, which happened to be right next door.

I have to admit that American Apparel really freaks me out. I just don't understand it. I think most of their clothes are odd, but I'm determined to find a gem there - the perfect white tee, some incredible leggings, one of those dresses that can be worn 27 ways (although I explained to Swanky Peach that that concept stresses me out because I will feel obligated to get use out of all 27 ways, even if several are beyond fugtrocious and heinous... it's too much pressure for me).

Before our date I decided to peruse the Web site in order to strategically locate some potential treasures. My first click was on the hosiery section, assuming that would be a safe and fun locale. Unfortunately, not. Hosiery was my first and only stop. Why, you ask?

These:

Please, in the name of all that's good and right in the world explain to me why you need cheekless tights. I mean, they aren't even technically bottomless... you still have a string there. Who, pray tell, who decided that we as women were yearning for a way to feel the breeze on our behinds while keeping our legs toasty?

I wish I had more words. I'm speechless. This is one stocking I won't be looking for come Christmas day.

Pupdate

Thank you all for your sweet comments about Sadie May. I am pleased to report that she's doing perfectly well. Her mama on the other hand, has been the struggling.

Life is pulling me in about 32 different directions right now, and it's all I can do to keep my head screwed on. Between work, church commitments (my heart's passion), Hems & Hers (my creative outlet and joy), friends, family, writing, new additions to my life and more, I'm just getting a smidge overwhelmed. As someone who really, really needs eight hours of sleep a night to fully function, the 4-5 hours I've been pulling for the last few months are finally starting to weigh on me. Something's got to give, although the perfectionist control freak is fighting with all my might to keep it all. Ideally I'd love to put more time into H&H and really see it become something. The potential's there but my time isn't. If any of you fabulously talented ladies have tips or advice for me, I would love, love, love to hear it.

Well this was a much whinier and depressing post than I intended it to be, so I'll sign off with the news that all I need for Christmas is Amy Grant and the Hanson version of "Christmas Means to Me." Seriously. On repeat. Like a thousand times a day.

Something's Fishy

Here's some fun math on a rainy Wednesday.

What do you get when 1 cocker spaniel pup ingests 30,000 milligrams of fish oil?

Wellllllll, about 37 panicked tears, 3 calls to emergency vets, poison control, and your mom, force feeding 2 tablespoons of vomit-inducing hydrogen peroxide, 10 minutes of nervous, anxious waiting, 4 throwing up "episodes," 82 high-pitched, "SADIE?!" cries to insure that the pooch is still alive, and zero hours of sleep.

It's going to be a good, solid day.