Tuesday, May 5, 2009

True Story Tuesday

I would be remiss to let yet another Tuesday slip by me without contributing a true story to the blogosphere. Today's tale centers around a subject that I don't address too often on this little page of mine: Boys. Not only am I in a happily committed relationship (meaning a. that BF is the only boy I discuss and b. there really isn't ever any drama in our partnership, or at least nothing blogworthy), but I haven't really dated too much. The male species who have featured most prominently in my years on this earth include:
- The Guy's Guy ~ Positively perfect in every way. Truly. He took me on my first date when I was 16 and was the first boy I ever held hands with. He's now gay. I promise I didn't contribute to or influence his sexuality. Much.
- The Teddy Bear ~ Coming off my mortally wounded heart, Teddy was the perfect solace. I have documented our adventures together in a previous post.
- The Cowboy ~ His screen name was jdeere16, and he stole my heart. He also played games with it like no one I have ever met. He gave me first real kiss (a little tongue involved... ooooh yeah), then immediately told me he had crushes on my three best friends (he really liked the way Georgia Peach bit her bottom lip and touched her hair) but had zero interest in me because I "wasn't very cuddly." Ummm, hello, Major Self-Esteem Issues?! Besides the fact that I am VERY cuddly... just ask Lobster or Boyfriend.
- The Soldier ~ This was my first serious relationship. We were together for 2.5 years, which spanned my senior year of high school through the end of my sophomore year in college, and it was probably 2 years too many. He's now stationed in Iraq. I could probably fill this entire blog with true stories of this character, his family and our relationship that would keep you up at night. I could write a book detailing how you know when a relationship is kaput (and how to escape with any shreds of self confidence intact):
"If the boy you are dating, who also happens to have a morbidly obese mother, tells you that watching you eat disgusts him... the relationship is probably over."
"If the boy you are dating, who is really only marginally attractive anyway, informs you that on the attractiveness scale, your best friend is 'hot and pretty' while you rate as 'cute'... the relationship is probably over."
- And of course, there's sweet Boyfriend, who I'm realizing needs a much more creative name. Hmmm, that's not the point of this post, but it is something to mull over. He is wonderful and fantastic and amazing and everything I could ask for. Blah blah blah... mush mush mush...

These are really the main men in my life, but I had a brief cameo by one dubbed The Baby Daddy.

Almost a year-and-a-half into our "relationship," The Soldier decided it would be best to lose the exclusivity tag and be able to date other people. As it turned out, I was the only one out of the two of us who ever actually took advantage of the arrangement (Soldier asked out three of my friends, who, naturally, all turned him down... another sign that your relationship is dunzo). Soldier never would agree to end the silly "open relationship," and it led to confusion, hurt, jealousy and all around badness. I really don't recommend this course of action.

About the time that things had reached their breaking point (but still a year before I came to my senses and ended things?), Soldier and his three roommates hosted a foam party at their apartment. As it would seem, the foam party became legendary before it even happened (raging foam machine pouring suds into an apartment? Of course it was a hit). Friends, neighbors and strangers alike flocked from all over to be part of the foam party. As I was trying to escape the foaming masses, my eyes met those of someone I had never met. He was very forward about letting me know he was interested in me (having everything to do with my charming, sparkling personality and nothing whatsoever with my strangely magnetic badonkadonk, I'm sure). Now, I'll pause here to say that this stranger was someone I would never, ever be interested in or attracted to, and was someone who would enrage Soldier were he to observe our communication, so, of course, I latched on.

I learned that my new friend was a member of the NC State football team, was Soldier's neighbor and felt very inappropriate things toward me. At the end of the evening with only those three shreds of information, Friend and I exchanged numbers and said goodnight (he actually suggested other activities, but again, uninterested). We exchanged texts, IMs and the occasional face-to-face conversation for several weeks, which pretty much involved me deflecting tawdry advances. One evening as I was exiting Soldier's abode, I discovered Mr. Feisty escorting his own company out of his apartment, and I happened to notice that she was... erm... with child. I thought it was a strange arrangement, and he was clearly embarrassed to be seen with her, so I just waited and texted him later asking who his companion was.

I received the very suspect answer, "A friend." I pointed out that she was a heavily pregnant friend, and he agreed that she was indeed about to have a child and was someone he'd known from high school. Right. Several days after that, Feisty McFeisterson appeared outside my dorm, kissed me (huh?!) and disappeared. I didn't hear from him for almost a week, which was really no problem in my book, but strange behavior, nonetheless. When he finally re-emerged on the scene I inquired about his absence.
"I'm a dad now."
"Um, you're a dad all of a sudden?"
"Did your pregnant friend have her baby?"
"Uh huh."
"And, coincidentally, did it happen to be your baby too?"
"You kissed me randomly."
"If I asked you wouldn't let me, and I was on my way to the hospital."
"Mmmkay. Happy Father's Day! Bye."

Okay, several lessons can be gleaned from this story and Baby Daddy's behavior:
1. Do not participate in open relationships.
2. Do not try to make your open relationship cohort jealous with someone that you know is so totally not okay for you.
3. Most single guys (particularly college age) don't just happen to be friends with pregnant girls.
4. If expectant fathers are only "friends" with their other parental half, they may or may not kiss-rape* you when they find out the baby is on its way.
5. Expectant fathers are really, really... frisky.

*please do not overanalyze the definition of "kiss-rape." I do not take rape lightly. I am merely using this as a lack-of-other-terminology-definition to describe the actions of a soon-to-be-father, who may or may not become overly amorous without permission or mutual participation upon hearing the news of his bundle of joy's imminent arrival.


Anonymous said...

Ok, that was kinda weird, cuz you might not want to use the W word, or describe in that much detail, jeez! You do have readers younger than you who read it... anyway, glad that BF is working out :)

Preppy 101 said...

Okay - your writing is entertaining and hilarious! I was laughing out loud while reading parts of this. Glad boyfriend is a good catch ;-) You need to write a book. xoxo

CTB said...

Wow. There are no words. ha :)

Anonymous said...

I agree wow! Although, I can relate. My ex was not very good and in fact carried some "soldier" traits himself. I was refered to as "stupid bitch" on numerous occasions, and told that I would never make it in the real world. When I was sick he told me to get over it. He constantly told me what an embarressment I was, and basically implied that I should be seen and not heard. I was going to marry this man - Thank goodness I didnt! I would have been 26 and divorced! This is of course assuming I made it to 26. Lol!
I am glad you have a good man now! You deserve it! You're so beautiful!

a.e. said...

Just a point of interest--the guy's guy was not in fact ever heterosexual--he's not "now gay" he was always gay, just for whatever reason (heteronormative societal pressure, family pressure, fear) he now feels able to be himself, his gay self. No one "becomes" gay. Either you are, or you're not. You didn't just become heterosexual one day, did you??

Black Labs and Lilly said...

How true that most college aged boys don't have random pregnant "friends"!!! Such a funny story!

a.e. said...

Thank YOU for your comment! You are entitled to your beliefs, but then doesn't it follow that heterosexuality is also a choice? Did you choose to be hetero? Just a question--and if you think you were in any way responsible for his gayness, I guess I was also just trying to reassure you it's not about you. :)

amy (metz) walker said...

First of all, I LOVE your blog. Second, and I don't say this lightly...you could really write a book and I would buy it.

Anonymous said...

Ok, people are taking that itty bitty paragraph way too far! Let it go about the gay subject! Who cares??? It is not a very appropriate subject to talk about...

Jessica Lee said...

Yeah, I definitely had a boyfriend who went back and form between my best friend and myself...boys are so STUPID. I then had one who acted pretty much like a lapdog. Weird!

Jessica Lee said...

P.S. I NEED YOUR ADVICE. Check the blog.

DSS said...

Hysterical post! Loved EVERY WORD of it :) Don't ever change what you say, or how you say it!

xoxo sarahbeth said...

I agree with Preppy 101; you should most def. write a book about your crazy adventures! I also wanted to say thank you for your advice; I value it! ♥

QueenBeeSwain said...

Baby Daddy is just awful. What a horrible "man" he is, I use quotes because a real man wouldn't have been so awful. What is up with guys (in general) just being so weird. I wonder if that was part of their sex-ed chat in middle school when the boys and girls were separated to discuss. Love you for sharing your stories with us and I bet that you really appreciate B after all of the sludge you had to work your way though to get to him!


Colin's Mom said...

You crack me up! I'm still trying to figure out what Feisty hoped to gain from the kiss and how "special" that he had you on the brain as he was going to the hospital for the birth of his CHILD! Here's hoping your current BF has a little more class.

Baby Sis said...

Screw political correctness.. your boy history is hilar, Sis!!!!

Miss Sara said...

Ha Ha :) LOL nice stories :) I cannot believe that last one! LOL

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