Suckered

I guess I just can't quit it.

I got suckered into extending my free trial of Match for another 7 days. Turns out I enjoy being winked at, so here we go again. I've been out a few times with The Joker and have really enjoyed spending time with him, so we'll see where that goes. In the meantime, these options, well, they're wide open.

Here are some thoughts I've gathered on my second first day.

1. Don't make your user name "LadiesMan173." If you're on Match, you clearly aren't.
2. Don't post a shirtless picture of yourself unless you really have something to be showing off.
3. Don't expect a response to a message that simply says, "Sup." Particularly when you don't even bother to make it into a question. "Sup" on its own is merely a verb, which makes this message an imperative sentence with an understood you for a subject, meaning you're imploring that I go "sup." My response will be to go get an apple and keep browsing.
4. Sunglasses on a guy can be very deceiving. Very. Deceiving.

What That Means

Tomorrow morning I'll get up, work out, get dressed, pack my lunch and head to my first day of work at Elevation Church. I'll officially be a producer, which means absolutely nothing to most people. And if you aren't very familiar with Elevation, 1. you should be and 2. it'll be hard to explain.

Elevation is a contemporary, multi-campus church wrapped around an audacious vision and old school message. Creativity, innovation and technology (oh, and of course, God's favor) are keys to what has propelled Elevation to see over 8,000 people in attendance in fewer than 5 years of existence. As a producer, I'll be helping to oversee the planning and execution of the worship experiences seen at each of the four campuses every week.

The job is creative and tech-y (the tech piece is admittedly not at all a strong suit of mine) and intense and time-consuming and overwhelming and exhausting and fulfilling and gratifying and thrilling and undoubtedly unlike any other role I think I will have.

I can't wait to report back on my first day. In the meantime I'll be taking my autographed Nicole Richie picture to decorate my my new desk, praying I'll have a friend to eat lunch with, and finding my favorite stall in which to bring back Bathroom Aerobics!

Excitement Abounds

Y'all, I feel like I've been waiting for two years to share this exciting news, and truthfully I kind of have been. Starting next Monday, I'll be starting my new job as a producer at Elevation Church!

I've been volunteering at Elevation for almost two years, and I've interviewed for several different positions over the course of that time. For one reason or another God closed each of those doors much to my disappointment; however, looking back, I know exactly why the timing was wrong for those opportunities. This time I am absolutely confident and thrilled knowing that it's the right time and the right fit. I'm scared and insecure, without a doubt, but I am beyond honored, humbled and utterly giddy to dive even deeper into this incredible move of God.

Hems & Hers will still be alive and active, and I can't imagine not being able to spend the past four months building it to the level it is now. It will always be a part of me, and I'll continue posting new styles on the website and Facebook page. I'm so blessed to be able to take such an active role in two of my passions. The Lord is mighty and good.

The P-Cock

This weekend I had the pleasurable experience of channeling my inner trophy wife and escorting my sweet little Sisquatch to her sorority's parents' cocktail at Chapel Hill. We had all too short of a visit together as I had to dash back to Charlotte early Saturday morning, but we were able to document the event and my natural gift of being delectable arm candy. Hems & Hers was even represented! I made a dress for Sis to wear, but the fit was off. Luckily her sweet friend snatched it right up and looked PRECIOUS (see the cutie sandwiched between us in the last picture).

The Candy Count

The title of this post would have made so much more sense if I'd posted it on Monday, right after Halloween, like I'd planned, but life got in the way (I can't wait to share more about some new directions I'm heading in!), and I'm just now getting to it.

I left you all hanging after Day 6 of The Match Project, but never fear, just because I cancelled my subscription on Day 7 doesn't mean the fun was cancelled with it. Oh no, friends, there's been more. Much more. And not just in online dating. In real life too... cuhrazy, I know.

You know after a long night of trick-or-treating you'd come home, empty your pumpkin and inventory each and every piece of sugary goodness you'd received (and try to trade the sub par pieces for something more appealing)? Let's do empty my pumpkin and see what's been dropped in over the last couple of weeks.

The Joker: I mentioned The Joker in a few of my Match Project posts. Appropriately named for his love of the funnies, he seemed to be the best prospect to come from my cyber venture. When I cancelled my subscription, I gave my real email address to my top 3 candidates, and The Joker was the top of the totem pole. We ended up trading numbers, and our ensuing banter proved that the kid could keep me laughing - my favorite part? He wasn't afraid to be sarcastic and even a little biting. We agreed to meet for lunch, and we decided upon a delicious little Thai spot in town on Monday. Now, let me say that I had basically zero expectations for the date (actually I texted Lobster on my way and told her I didn't want to go). I assumed that his humor would translate into obnoxiousness in person, and while his pictures online were cute, I knew that he'd be less attractive than the photos. Oh. My. Word. was I wrong on all counts. He was much more subdued in person, which was refreshing, and he was noticeably nervous, which was endearing. And lastly... boy was about 10 times more good looking in person than his photos. I was floored. We had a great (albeit a smidge awkward since, you know, we met online) lunch and have been texting ever since trying to plan a second outing.

The Yankee: On Saturday night, Lobster, He Lobster and I donned our best Halloween garb and traipsed Uptown to see Ke$ha play and do a little costumed partying. By the time we'd arrived, Her Royal Garbageness had fled the premises, but we weren't deterred. As you know, I loathe Halloween, so I didn't put much planning into my costume. Sparkly heels, tutu skirt, corset/slutty thing, hair in a bun = Slutty Ballerina/Fairy Princess/Sex And The City Someone? Clearly, I wasn't the only one unsure of what I was dressed as since quickly after getting a drink in hand and hugging a free space of the cramped bar I heard a voice from overhead ask, "Soooo what are you?" My answer, truthfully, "A slutty fill-in-the-blank." "You seriously don't know?" He inquired. "Well," I explained, "Halloween is just a chance for girls to get away with dressing like sluts, so I figured, why not just own that instead of trying to be clever about it?" He was clearly blown away by my sharp wit and sensible logic, and we spent the next half hour or so engaging in delightful conversation. The Yankee was noticeably cute and very, very, very tall. Originally from Long Island, he's been in the South since his college days at Elon, and he zero plans to head back to the tundra. Thumbs up. As he left he grabbed my number and promised to call me soon. I doubted it, but whatever. One Monday night my phone chimed its grating ring, an unknown number popped up on my screen. It was The Yankee! He was calling to see if I'd be interested in grabbing some drinks later in the week. He promised to have a full set of teeth and clothing without bloodstains on it (he was dressed as some character from The Hangover, but since I've never seen the movie, I had no idea). I told him that I promised to wear more clothes, but he assured me he would be fine if I chose not to. Clever. And mega points for the call versus the more convenient text. We met at a local watering hole on Thursday night and immediately fell into fun, comfortable, easy conversation. Three and a half hours later we realized we should probably call it a night. Thumbs up.

The Banana: Once The Yankee vacated our Halloween Haunt, Lobster, He Lobster and I decided to make our way around the bar a bit (actually, someone's noxious gas forced us to give up our corner). We got trapped in a traffic jam and decided that the best way to cope would be to dance. We had a fun little group jam sesh, when I looked up and saw a fellow in a legit banana costume staring me down. I don't mean just a little above average eye contact. I'm talking LASER BEAM EYES. He was clearly intent to grind against my slutty self, but thankfully I had the best body shields ever in Lobster and He Lobster, and as The Produce circled, so did they, keeping themselves between us. After making the lap a few times, The Banana changed strategies by walking away for a few minutes and returning with the hood of his costume properly in place. You know, just in case the costume adjustment would adjust my feeling on the situation. Around and around again we went like a well choreographed synchronized swimming posse. Eventually BananaMan gave up, "peeled" himself away (har har) and tried his luck with some one else whose slutty outfit wasn't quite the costume that mine was.

The Penguin: I'd made less sketchy eye contact with a neighboring penguin during the dancing-go-round with The Banana. He seemed cute enough, so I decided a dance wouldn't be terrible. He introduced himself as Chaz, and while I try to steer clear of real names on the blog, I just had to share, because there are very few names that repel me quite like Chaz. Ick. Anyway, I decided in the spirit of Halloween I would try to withhold judgement. Bad idea. Penguin Chaz was much more intoxicated than originally deemed, and he was also battling an extreme case of halitosis. I frantically searched for the best exit strategy since Lobster and He Lobster had ducked out for some air (apparently He Lobster's chicken suit was much steamier than my suit of, well, nothing). Whether he was mistakenly reading that I was interested or sensing that I was trying to duck out, The Penguin began whispering sweet nothings in my ear, which really meant slurring questionable things loudly at my face. When I told him I needed to go he begged me to let him drive me home. In the morning. He emphasized "morning" with a wink. Or a facial spasm. Hard to say. I told him I really needed to be up early for church in the morning. I clearly offended his feathered heart at the mention of church, and he brusquely urged me to have a nice life. I probably will.

The Enthusiast: When I left Match, The Enthusiast was one of the fellas I shared my contact information with. He immediately emailed me and friended me on Facebook. Not too bad, really, and we shared emails back and forth for a few days before I mistakenly shared my cellular digits. He became over eager with the texts. I mean OVER EAGER, texting several times a day regardless of whether I responded or not. I finally thought he took the hint when I hadn't heard from him in several days. On my way to meet The Yankee on Thursday my phone rang with an unknown number on the screen. Once I share with you about the madness that's been going on, you'll understand why I answered, but for now, let's just go with, I answered. "Welllll heeey there, sexy lady!" a high pitched, nasal, thick Southern accented squealed down the line. "Ummm, hello?" I replied in fright. "You don't know who this is do you??" "No." "It's your favorite guy from Match Dawt Cawm!" he enthused. Well, I knew it wasn't The Joker, so that basically left The Enthusiast. "Oh. Hi." I replied, hoping that my curt tone would keep this conversation short. It didn't. "I was just riding over to see my brother who just caught MRSA." "Ummm, your brother has MRSA?!?! That's not good!" I was genuinely concerned. Side note: I have quite the phobia of MRSA, and the paranichea currently residing on my left pinky is currently suggesting to me that I may, in fact, be infected. "No, it's not. He may not make it, but I wondered if you wanted to come over later because I may need someone to comfort me," he rattled on clearly unconcerned by his brother's precarious predicament." "Oooh, um, I can't, but thanks." "I just love a good shoulder." .......... I didn't even know what that meant. Shoulder fetish? Shoulder to cry on? A different word morphed into "shoulder" by the accent? I really don't want clarification. "Yeah, well, listen I have to go, but thanks for calling." "I know I'll be hearing from you soon, hottie." Yeah. That'll happen. I hung up and immediately saved into my phone: DO NOT ANSWER MATCH STALKER.

And that, my friends, is my current candy count.

The Journey

When I adopted Sadie everyone told me, "Shelter dogs make the best pets because they know you saved them." That doesn't make dogs from breeders or pet stores love you less, there's just a greater appreciation a dog who has been pulled from a dirty kennel or the brink of euthanization feels for its owner than a dog bred and raised in a mostly pleasant environment. Today on a drive back from Athens, Georgia, where I presented a Hems & Hers trunk show to the fine ladies of Chi O, I realized that I'm sort of like a dog from a breeder in my faith.

Now follow me on this very rough analogy. I love my Lord with every fiber of my being, in every way I know, but basically as a Christian since birth, I don't know any other way to live than with Him in my life. I don't know the desperation that some people felt before finding salvation. I don't know the aching, longing and yearning for a better home. And while those who have been in that state of despair might count me lucky, I would argue that it almost puts me at a faith disadvantage.

You see, without ever knowing what it was like to wander WITHOUT God, I tend to grow very complacent of my time spent WITH God. Like a sweet friend or family member that's just always there in the background - steady and comforting - the Almighty is a constant presence, but not necessarily always mighty in my day-to-day.

I realized as I was driving and the words of the song by my church's incredibly talented worship team's song "Give Me Faith" washed over me, that I don't get it 9 times out of 10. "Give me faith to trust what You say, that You're good and Your love is great," the song goes. Simple in words, but so powerful in meaning. This complacency that so often dominates my relationship with the Creator dulls His sheer greatness in my life more often than not. The song continues, "I need You to open my eyes and see that You're shaping my life." How cliche is it to say that you can't see the forest for the trees? I've spent so long feeling like my eyes are focused on Jesus that I completely miss everything He's doing to draw me to him and shape me for His ultimate glory.

When I get discouraged or feel like my life is adrift and in a continual state of flux, as it often is, I tend to quote Jeremiah 29:11 to myself, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you a hope and a future." It's a crazy amazing verse, but yet again, I have become so numb to the power of those words that I don't even think about them anymore. God's word is TRUE. It is ALIVE and ACTIVE. None of His promises go unfulfilled. He promises to not only give me a hope and a future but to PROSPER. For me to not react powerfully and dynamically to that assurance every time I hear it is a travesty.

"I may be weak, but Your spirit's strong in me; my flesh may fail, but my God, You never will," the lyrics of "Give Me Faith" proclaim, and no truer words have been spoken or sung. I can get caught up in berating myself for falling short of the mark in my walk with God. In criticizing myself for not "feeling" my faith enough, for being too lax or cerebral. In analyzing and searching and listening and not doing. But His power that conquered the grave is IN me.
There's no room for stagnation and self-doubt when there's that kind of might waiting to be unleashed in me.

So back to the dog analogy. I may never feel that same urgency that the "rescued pet" feels, but that doesn't mean that the Lord hasn't rescued me also. That doesn't mean I don't strive with the same intensity to obey and serve my God, Protector and Provider, and as my path is murkier than ever, I can promise you, that I will cling to Him with all the ferocity of a creature that is lost without its Master. I'm just glad I know who's guiding me.

The Match Project Day 4-6

I didn't actually intend to lump day 4, 5 and 6 into one post, but I got lazy over the weekend because Sweet Sis was home for Fall Break and it happened. Actually, it's probably not too bad, because these three days can be summed up in three words... sketchy, shady and sleazy. I'm not even going to break the days into stats and observations because it's just not worth it. Here's the lowdown.

Just for you fine folks I spent part of Thursday night on the chat feature of Match. One onomatopoeia for that experience: Ew. I received IMs from six different winners. Two of the six were fine. I guess. The other four gave me the heebiejeebies. One was 46, retired, independently wealthy and looking for a little friend to shower with gifts. One was 27 but asked instantly for my number. One was 31 and felt very, very alone in his life and needed someone to hold on to. The fourth was 26 and had a child molester mustache.

After about an hour I decided that it was beyond time to disable that feature, but much to my surprise no less than half an hour after shutting it down, I received Facebook friend requests from two of less fortunate chatters. Ordinarily not a huge issue, but I didn't give away ANY personal information to these creeps... not my first name, not my last name, nothing. Depsite ignoring the requests I've received various and sundry messages from them. Hey, guess what? I think I know why you're single and lonely. And secondly, I mean, I know I'm pretty great, but I'm not THAT awesome, so clearly, clearly, clearly you're just THAT desperate.

But these last few days haven't been all bad. In fact, tomorrow's post will fill you in on some closing thoughts from this whole experience and maybe some details about an upcoming date or two??

The Match Project Day 3

Stats:
- My profile has been viewed 181 times.
- I've been winked at 42 times.
- I've received 23 emails.

Observations:
- The male attention that comes along with online dating isn't as enjoyable as I thought it might. It sort of makes me feel skeazy. Mostly because it's from skeazeballs.
- People with names like "shank_a_potamus" will never find a life partner. Not a human one anyway.
- "shank_a_potamus" likes to look at my profile.
- Most of the profiles of my female competition are very suggestive.
- Mine is not.
- I am instantly unattracted to with men that have children and are on Match.
- I'm even less attracted to the guys that say, "I have kids, but don't worry, they only live with me some of the time." Everybody loves a good part time dad.

I got asked to go on my first actual Match date yesterday. I'm sort of on the fence about going. On one hand we have a couple of mutual friends - namely, God and Jesus - on the other, I feel weird about truly meeting someone face to face. Lots of opportunity for extreme awkwardness. Maybe I'll send my sister instead and have her pretend to be me.

The chap in questions seems really normal, nice and down to earth, but he's on Match, so he clearly can't get dates in real life. Granted, I am too, but since I'm not paying for the service I don't think I really count. Eh. We'll call it a wash. I guess I'll go. It is all about journalistic integrity after all.

I've been messaging fairly regularly with the Limp Biscuit joker. I have to hand it to him, he's pretty clever. The kid loves himself a joke, but a fair number of them are pretty funny. And even more impressive, he has an insane knowledge of late '90s boy bands. I'm not just talking *NSYNC and BSB, he's pulled out 98 Degrees, Five, and West Life. He has also seen and appreciates the cinematic genius that is Mars Attacks.

I got an IM last night from a guy asking if I had more pictures I could send him. I'm pretty sure it was Kip from Napoleon Dynamite. Maybe he thought I was LaFawnduh 'cause, you know, I have "sandy blonde hair, pretty nice face, but" he's probably "just T.O.ed because I haven't sent him a full body shot yet."

Also, after trading a few messages with the guy I went to high school with, I finally said, "I think we actually might know each other. Did you go to our Our High School?" I haven't heard back. Clearly that was not a good move. The collision of cyber life and real life is rarely a smooth thing. Just ask Tiger Woods.

The Match Project Day 2

Stats:
- My profile has been viewed 122 times
- I've been "winked" at 34 times
- I've received 17 emails

Observations:
- There are very many unfortunate looking people occupying the online dating space.
- I've become very self conscious that browsers think I'm more attractive than most people online.
- I've become very paranoid that I need to show that I'm not a boring loser.
- I actually am kind of boring.
- I'm terrible at writing an appealing online dating bio.
- I don't necessarily feel all that bad about that.
- I feel really bad when I don't respond to someone's "winks" or "emails."
- I'm learning that ignoring them is crucial to not being inundated by creepy messages.

Day 2 has been interesting in this Match Project. Most of the messages I've gotten have been really lame. Such as, "Your face is pretty." Duh. "I'm from Charlotte too." Yeah, I see that on your profile, but thanks for letting me know. "I'm single." I would hope so.

The fact that I'm fairly normal and don't have any obvious facial deformities seems to be a plus in terms of cyber popularity. I've been asked four times if I like playing video games. I have to dance lightly around this subject. Sure, I enjoy video games (Wii and original Nintendo), but I know that answering yes will open myself up to a whole world of Halo and Dungeons & Dragons that I'd much rather avoid.

I have gotten two fairly quality correspondences going. One with the guy I went to high school with that doesn't seem to remember me. I have since decided that that's a good thing. I went and looked at some pictures of myself from high school, and I have upgraded greatly. I haven't told him that we know each other yet. I feel like that's some sort of set up for a generic rom-com. I hope so. Everyone loves a good romantic comedy plot twist.

The second legit-ish message went something like this:

"What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg?
Limp biscuit."

If he were less attractive it would probably hit the trash, but I'm pretty shallow, so I'll appreciate the humor attempt. And it is kind of funny. Not "LOL" funny, but crack a smile funny. His profile says that the last book he read was a joke book. I guess he's just proving that? If he's a joke cracker in real life, that will get old reallllly fast.

There's been no reappearance from my friend with the equestrian fetish, so things are looking up.

The Match Project Day 1

The Match Project is an experiment in which I will spend seven days trying out Match.com. My goal is to be as realistic and candid in my efforts as possible, and I'll document the journey here. This should be a good time. The reasons for embarking on this venture are severalfold:

1. This is the first time I've been single in quite a while, and although I'm not looking for a relationship, one can never argue with a free dinner or drinks every so often.
2. It's free, and I'm out of blog ideas, and this should be more entertaining than random factoids about myself or long monologues about the difficulties that accompany launching a business.
3. I work from my house now, so the chances that some perfect soulmate will come knocking on my door is just not reasonable. The only people who knock on my door are the UPS man and the exterminator, and neither packages nor roach killing is an aphrodisiac. Actually, given the problem I've had with roaches lately, that's more and more attractive.
4. Documenting each day will remind me to cancel my subscription on day 7, so my card won't be charged for a month's fee.

Last night whilst perusing my typical regimen of online sites I was distracted by a blinking banner ad for Match.com. I wasn't even tempted by eHarmony, because, well, it's called eHarmony. Several people have suggested that I give the realm of online dating a whirl (most recently the lovely Lobster). I shrugged it off as being for people who can't survive in a world beyond their computer screen who post fake pictures of themselves, but alas, I was taken in during a moment of boredom and weakness and inspired to just give it a go. If nothing else than to prove my point that it doesn't work.

I create a user name for myself (like naming my blog, this process was much more anxiety ridden than need be. I wanted to be clever without revealing my real name or being gross or cheesy like xxcutiepiesnugglekissesxx or something of the sort). I settle on SadieMay3rd (I would have preferred simply SadieMay, but apparently that was taken, so SadieMay3rd in honor of my sweet pup, Sadie May Jr. the 3rd, it is). I'm prompted to fill out a profile, so I can be accurately matched with Charlotte singles. I resist the urge to shut the computer down and go to sleep and instead press onward.

I also resist the urge to say that I'm looking for heavyset, overweight and obese males, therefore pegging myself a chubby chaser. I want to be accurate, so I force myself to answer the questions as seriously as possible. I complete the profile and am immediately matched with candidates I may be compatible with. I'm truly intrigued to see who (or what) I might fit with, so I start scrolling the list. It's ranked by percentile of compatibility, and I once again almost shut my computer off when I see that ranked at 99% compatibility with me is a true douchelord I went to high school with. Ummm, no. If that's who I'm being matched with, forget it. Before starting this I was dubious at best but now all of this site's credibility is out the window.

Still, I press on, send out some obligatory "winks" (similar to Facebook pokes) and call it a night.

When I woke up this morning I had several alerts from the Matchmakers themselves letting me know that over the course of my sleeping hours I had received 4 winks and 3 messages. I scroll through the emails and am pleasantly surprised to see one from a rather attractive guy who seems normal enough. Upon further observance, though, I realize I know this guy. We also went to high school together, and I was pretty close with his sister. Wanting full confirmation I Facebook who I think it is, and not only are we Facebook friends, but both of his profile pictures are the same. I respond to his message without letting him know that I know who he is. I don't know if it's a good or bad thing that he doesn't seem to recognize me.

I was just starting to feel a little optimistic about this whole ordeal when I received the following IM from LowCountryBoy: "Hey there, do you like rodeos, cowboy boots, horses, horses races, Wrangler jeans? Do you have cowboy boots?" Oh, Lord, I am in for a long seven days.