Rule #19 - Potent Potable

If you are in the Florida Keys and order a margarita and the waitress tells you that they are out of tequila but can make one for you out of wine coolers, go ahead and pass. The concoction that will arrive at your table will be a mixture of HiC Ecto Cooler and diesel fuel. When you chug it with a straw to prove to your brother that you're not a lightweight, you will feel unwell for at least three days.

The Best Kind of Marathon

Greetings from the gorgeous and warm Marathon Key! I won't bother filling the screen with many words other than a quick recap and some pictures. We arrived around 4 o'clock Saturday afternoon... after a quick tour around the resort and a stop for 'ritas and more at the Tiki Bar we were showered and off to dinner. We made it back in time to watch a breathtaking sunset then equally breathtaking lightning storm miles off shore. Sunday dawned bright and hot. A dash on the treadmill then camping out on the sand left relaxation I could hardly fathom. In the afternoon we left for Bahia Honda National Park where we enjoyed dips in the Atlantic (we're staying on the Gulf side of the Key). A round of pina coladas before dinner cooled us immensely, and the crab-stuffed yellow snapper was almost as delicious as the drink. Today started with an endorphin-rush at the gym then an adrenaline-pumping snorkeling trip. Barracudas, sting rays and a shark? Oh my! We're home again and just enjoyed a family fun double round of coladas. We're off to dinner now, but I hope you are all enjoying your week wherever you are! Photography courtesy of my incredibly talented, exceedingly beautiful sister!

So Close You Can Taste It

Despite being a consummate morning person, when my alarm sounded this morning at 5:45, a Pleasant Patty I was not. That is, until I remembered that this was no ordinary Saturday... this was the Saturday on which I will zip down the east coast and arrive safely and soundly in Miami before lunch. A quick drive and I will be on Marathon Key by mid-afternoon. I'll be back in Charlotte on Wednesday night. I'll be blogging whilst enjoying the surf and sand, but it will be sporadic.

I'll leave you today with some pictures from a wonderful night. While you've met Lobster on more than one occasion, you've yet to be introduced to Mich - our third roommate who is now in grad school at Columbia. Beautiful, smart, funny, rocking bod... this girl's got it all. I hadn't seen her in a year and a half. That is, until last night. Mich arrived in Charlotte, and we all reunited over a delicious Cheesecake Factory salad (and maybe a Bikini Martini). The best shots are on Lobstina's camera, but here's a quick snapshot of the reunion...

Munch Munch Munch

Despite being pegged as the "thick girl" by my sewing guru, I try to keep my curves under control with the help of some healthy eating habits, and at the suggestion of Queen Bee, I'm sharing them with you lovelies. In actuality, being conscious of what goes into my body and being vigilant about how many calories I burn off of it is vital to me. I'm not naturally thin, nor do I have a metabolism complete with an attached jet pack. I've had to learn how to balance diet and exercise, otherwise "plump" would be a good adjective to describe me. As I've said before, it's taken me a long time to find contentment with my body, and now that I'm finally there, here's a sneak peek at some of my nutritional must-haves.

1. Protein Bars - Well, duh. No morning is complete without them. My favorites include Zone bars, Snicks Marathon Nutrition bars (the energy and other varieties are packed with sugar, but the Nutrition ones are amazing) and Power Bar Triple Threat bars (chocolate caramel fusion for moi).
2. Hummus - Hummus was an acquired taste for me. The first time I tried it, I made the mistake of choosing the plain, original flavor. Blech! Being as hypersensitive to texture as I am, this was an absolute no-go. Several years later a friend introduced me to roasted pine nut hummus, and I was in heaven. I've now expanded my palate to include the lemon, roasted red pepper and smoked paprika varieties, although the pine nut is still my fave.
3. Thomas Whole Wheat 100 Calorie English Muffins - I doubt I could survive without these heavenly discs. I am an absolute carb-nut, so life without bread would be a sad, sad plight for me. However, Thomas came out with these English muffins that have astounding nutrition information - 100 calories, 1 gram of fat, 7 grams of fiber and 8 of protein. Amazing! These are the primary vehicle for my hummus cravings, and the pairing provides a satisfying, light, healthy snack at just under 200 calories. However, I despise them toasted. Despise.
4. Edamame - Yum! What a refreshing snack. Seriously! Edamame are the perfect transportable food. Keep in the pods, pop them in a Ziploc or Tupperware, peel and eat. Divine.
5. Fat Free Pringles - I love a salty snack, and fat free Pringles are my go-to. 15 chips contains 0 fat and only 70 calories. You get your salty craving satisfied and don't feel like you've wrecked your diet, because guess what? You haven't! I prefer the original to the other flavors out there.
6. Yoplait Light Yogurt - Despite having the absolute worst advertising on TV (as an advertising quasi-expert, you should trust me on this), Yoplait delivers. I only choose their Light versions (only 100 calories and no fat), and I am never disappointed in their flavor offerings. Many foods' light varieties limit their flavors to 2 or 3, but Yoplait caters to light lovers. While I love them all, my standby standards are Orange Creme and Thick 'N Creamy Cherry Cobbler. So good... like walking barefoot on the sand in the Florida Keys good (oh yeah, I totally just threw back to their commercials).
7. Canned Salmon - With more, and better flavor than tuna, canned salmon packs a protein punch like few other foods. I pick Bumble Bee brand, dump it in a bowl and shake some Lowry's Seasoned Salt and Tony Chachere's on it, then tear a piece of reduced fat Muenster or Provolone on top... zap it in the microwave until the cheese melts... slap it on an (untoasted) English muffin... voila! Upgraded tuna melt.
7. 100 Calorie Packs - I never, ever, ever, ever trust myself with big bags, cans or boxes of any food (except Fat Free Pringles... if you screw up and accidentally consume the entire can, you're still ingesting fewer than 300 calories... NOT the end of the world). I survive on 100 calories packs. Although, just a reminder... if you eat 5 in a row because they're not that satisfying, you've completely defeated the purpose. I may or may not be speaking from experience. For a sweet treat, I highly recommend 100 Calorie Sour Patch Kids, Swedish Fish and Chips Ahoy candy bites.
8. Mini MoonPies - In case the "dessert" 100 calorie packs aren't cutting it (and trust me, there will be days they don't), I reach for 140-calorie mini MoonPies. Do you non-Southerners know what MoonPies are? You pretty much either love them or hate them, and I'm in the lovin' crowd. I thanked the heavens above when they released the mini varities and always have several sitting in my fridge. Refrigerating them gives them an almost ice cream sandwich feel, and I swear by them.
9. Peanut Butter & Banana Sandwiches - Duh. Nothing better for a post-workout meal. Nothing.
10. Fruit and Veggies - Boring, I know, but produce is a staple of my diet. Strawberries, bananas, Granny Smiths... you can always find them at my house. In terms of vegetables, I can't get enough squash, zucchini, mushrooms and broccoli. I either sautee them or steam them in the microwave and always, always, always sprinkle with Tony Chacheres (which probably deserves it's own number).

I know I have a lot more I reach for (whole wheat pasta vs. white... of course), but sadly I think those 10 foods make up 96% of my diet. Does that mean I've now shed all my mystery and mystique by sharing that? Probably, although I doubt I had much to begin with. If you've never tried some of those, take my word for it, you'll be glad if you do.

Happy Friday!

Underneath Your Clothes...

Tonight I couldn't find a clean sports bra to wear to the first round of softball playoffs. Solution? I rooted around my drawers until I found a ratty pink leopard print push-up. We lost. By a lot. Coincidence? I think not.

Speaking of undergarments, as I have previously documented, I don't do well with underpinnings of the panty variety. They have a mysterious way of removing themselves from my body during the day. I had successfully lasted 2 months and 17 days without discarding of the offending items during the workday until yesterday. I relapsed. The undies came off, and the smile came on. Not my most graceful or classy moments. Hi, my name is Polka Dots, and I'm a panty remover.

And speaking of social faux pas, I won Queen Bee Swain's Social Climbers giveaway!!! I couldn't be more thrilled to win such an enticing prize. Thanks to Miss Bee and Beth Dunn for providing the fabulous booty.*

*Did you see what I just did there? How I tied that back in to the previous paragraph? Clever. I know.

Oh, Dear

Dear Morbidly Obese Woman at the Y,

While I applaud your efforts to take control of your weight issues, I have noticed what may be a slight hiccup in your mission. Drinking a 20 oz. regular Dr. Pepper while sweating on the treadmill may be considered not only poor hydration, but also counter-productive. While I also enjoy the cold refreshment of the doctor's 23 flavors, I choose the diet variety post-gym. I'm no expert, but it's an innocent observation.

Love,
Polka Dots & Protein Bars



Dear Sweet Sadie,

I love you to pieces, and while I generally find your dumb blonde, silly puppy antics full of humor, mirth and all around preciousness, you are now, officially, driving. me. bonkers. Apparently for the entire 16 months of your life you have been unaware of the magic that we humans call "windows." Yes, Pupcake, I am no stranger to the fact that when peering out a glass pane you become privy to the action taking place outdoors.

Yes, Puppernickel, I know there are birds and squirrels and people and dogs and trash and leaves and grass and air outside. But, Hun, you absolutely do not need to alert me each time movement takes place with your magical symphony of growls, barks, whines and general furry communication strategies. Furthermore, while I realize that my bathroom window is your favorite, thanks in no small part to the perfect view of the telephone lines (and consequently, the family of squirrels who like to scamper across them) that vantage point affords, the permanent residence you have taken up in that very small space is inconvenient at best and nerve grating at worst.

For both of our sakes, you adorable little pooch, let's hope that the honeymoon fades quickly.


XOXO,
Your Mom



Dear Florida Keys,

In a mere four days I will be soaking in your sunshiney rays and lavishing your bronze coating on my otherwise terrifyingly pasty skin. You are so close, and yet cliche-ingly far away. The thought of you taunts and teases me, and I am left staring longingly at my calendar wishing to be with you. The wait is not long now, beloved Keys. We will be reunited once more in quasi-tropical bliss.

Sincerely,
Polka Dots & Protein Bars

Rule #18 - Not the Same

If you're in a hurry to reach your prized elliptical after work during gym rush hour and happen to forget your People and US Weekly in the car, neither Time nor Parental Yoga will be an adequately entertaining substitute. No matter your level of physical prowess, you will only be able to endure 25 minutes before withdrawal symptoms sink in.

There's absolutely no shame in going home due to celebri-dehydration.

Divalicious

This evening after work I went to the Y and made an emergency stop in the little girl's room. Just as I settled on to the commode, I was startled to hear an extremely loud cacophony from right outside my stall. After fighting a losing battle with restroom stage fright, I exited my personal oasis frustrated.

As I turned the corner I spied a very, very large woman standing in the mirror fixing her hair and belting out the song playing on her iPod. Now, Lobsterita knows that one of my biggest pet peeves is people singing or humming aloud to songs playing through earphones. This woman was more than just making absentminded noise, however... she was going. to. town. It wouldn't have been so terrible if she had been performing on key, but my oh my, it wasn't even close.

When she saw me standing in the mirror she turned to me and said, "I know. I should have been a performer. Everyone tells me that." With a sarcastic edge to my voice, which I blame entirely on my still-full bladder, I replied, "I know. I was just thinking the same thing." Aretha broke into a wide beam and help up her hand for a high five. "Girl, when I make it big, I'm gonna come back here and make you a part of my entourage!"

It certainly is lovely knowing that I have something to look forward to.

Factoids and Thinking Points

1. I would like to have a movie marathon that includes Winning in London, Island in the Sun, Getting There and When in Rome.
2. I would like to finish all of the blasted Degrassi episodes currently housed on my DVR (please don't judge).
3. I would like for my sewing teacher to stop referring to me as "the thick girl." I know that culturally speaking she is complimenting me, but it doesn't make me feel good.
4. I would like to find a way to keep my skin from getting oily and shiny throughout the day.
5. I would like a new summer clothing and cosmetics wardrobe. Preferably before leaving for the Keys in 11 days.
6. I would like some feedback from my darling readers. I have lost some followers over the past few weeks, so I'm reaching out to all of y-o-u to tell me what you want to read more (or less of) on Polka Dots & Protein Bars. Ready? Go!

Sweatin' It

I wore a dark gray t-shirt and pink running shorts to the Y on Saturday - a fairly average workout outfit. After trekking on the Stairmaster treadmill and interval work on the elliptical, I was fairly saturated, but not what I considered overly sweaty. As I dismounted from the cardio equipment and headed for the weights I found myself standing beside a rather heavyset middle-aged man.

"Wow, have you been working out for a long time?" he inquired.
Flattered that he was noticing my toned physique I answered, "Why, yes, 5-6 days a week for the last 8 years. I've really been ramping it up lately, though."
Looking puzzled he replied, "I meant today. Look at your shirt, it's DRENCHED. Have you been here for hours?"
"Um, 40 minutes."

Thank you, kind sir, for reminding me how overactive my sweat glands are. My apologies for not pointing out the way your shirt gracefully hugged the curves and contours of your portly tummy.