Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Oh, Dear

Dear Morbidly Obese Woman at the Y,

While I applaud your efforts to take control of your weight issues, I have noticed what may be a slight hiccup in your mission. Drinking a 20 oz. regular Dr. Pepper while sweating on the treadmill may be considered not only poor hydration, but also counter-productive. While I also enjoy the cold refreshment of the doctor's 23 flavors, I choose the diet variety post-gym. I'm no expert, but it's an innocent observation.

Polka Dots & Protein Bars

Dear Sweet Sadie,

I love you to pieces, and while I generally find your dumb blonde, silly puppy antics full of humor, mirth and all around preciousness, you are now, officially, driving. me. bonkers. Apparently for the entire 16 months of your life you have been unaware of the magic that we humans call "windows." Yes, Pupcake, I am no stranger to the fact that when peering out a glass pane you become privy to the action taking place outdoors.

Yes, Puppernickel, I know there are birds and squirrels and people and dogs and trash and leaves and grass and air outside. But, Hun, you absolutely do not need to alert me each time movement takes place with your magical symphony of growls, barks, whines and general furry communication strategies. Furthermore, while I realize that my bathroom window is your favorite, thanks in no small part to the perfect view of the telephone lines (and consequently, the family of squirrels who like to scamper across them) that vantage point affords, the permanent residence you have taken up in that very small space is inconvenient at best and nerve grating at worst.

For both of our sakes, you adorable little pooch, let's hope that the honeymoon fades quickly.


Your Mom

Dear Florida Keys,

In a mere four days I will be soaking in your sunshiney rays and lavishing your bronze coating on my otherwise terrifyingly pasty skin. You are so close, and yet cliche-ingly far away. The thought of you taunts and teases me, and I am left staring longingly at my calendar wishing to be with you. The wait is not long now, beloved Keys. We will be reunited once more in quasi-tropical bliss.

Polka Dots & Protein Bars


CTB said...

I think I would fall off the treadmill if I saw someone drinking a Dr. Pepper (or any other coke!)How ridiculous!

The Pink Chick said...

Where are you going in the Keys? My husband and I are vacation there this summer, but we have no idea where we want to go. Any suggestions?

Legallyblondemel said...

I see those types at the gym and my heart just breaks - that is, after I think to myself, "How in God's name do you not know how you're sabotaging yourself? How???"

That is one cute puppy, but I hear you on the barking. Mine is not to be borne when the backyard squirrels are out.

Liana said...

oooh my gosh i love people like that with their Dr. Pepper!!! i'll have a big mac with cheese....but a DIET coke ahah!

Lis said...

Ok, well the lady at your Y must be related to the chick at my gym with the VENTI FRAPPACINNO (WITH whip!!) on the elliptical....I mean really??

And yay for your vacay!!!

BLC :o said...

Bless the poor YMCA lady. I assure you, the naked-walking-around-the-changing-rooms has me 100% dedicated to living as healthily as possible! And showering/getting ready/booking-it-out-of-there as soon as possible!!! Xoxo-BLC

QueenBeeSwain said...

love this post- still amazed about Miss Poor Nutrition America. Just wow.


Rachel H. said...

I wish I was going to the beach! I'm SO jealous!!

Anonymous said...

no freaking way. somebody was drinking a dr. pepper WHILE ON THE MACHINE!? that may be by far the craziest gym story i've ever heard. sigh, it would've been great to have a camera for that moment!

Prissy Southern Prep said...

OMG. Why in the world would someone drink a soda while working out?! I'm in shock!

USCEmily said...

Your first letter is, in a word, HILARIOUS. Common sense, people!!

And can you please take me along in your suitcase to the Keys? I need a vaca!!